i was so busy preparing myself to travel with my friends sweet baby to another country , i finally finished my papers , and will go at Monday , so excited and nervous , just the fact that i can’t go back for a year and half is a little bit scary , but i love the new beginning , wish me lots of luck , i hope when i get there i’ll go back to writing posts ,i loved blogging 🙂
“in the blink of an eye,something happens by chance-when you least expect it-sets you on a course that you never planned, into a future you never imagined “
this last month my life went upside down in a good way , after a month of sitting alone in my room not finding the strength to talk with any one or do anything it all changed with one act of love .
in my home we are used to having people living with us for different reasons ,but mainly they were girls who need a place to live in and have difficulties in their own homes , one of those girls was my sister’s friend from college ,she lived with us for 3 years ,used to call me mum “am only one year older than her ” ,and we had a great relation ,two years ago she got married and traveled with her husband to work in another country ,we skyped sometime but communication became way less than before , and she came to visit once before ,and this last month
when she came she couldn’t believe the bad place i was in , and surprising enough for me , she was the first one to not ask me to explain myself , or my actions, she just sat beside me ,told me “i lived with you , and i can say i know why you’re feeling the way you do , and i know what hurts you ,and why you can’t talk to your family about it ,and i have the solution , all i need is for you to accept help ” just like that ,we talked a lot ,i went and lived with her this month ,she went back yesterday,,and in the coming few weeks am traveling to go live with her and search for a new job there
all this was a great surprise for me , i never would of expected this to happen, now i believe more than ever “sometime something beautiful happens when you least expect it ”
and this wasn’t the end of it , once i decided to have the courage to open my heart again , many other beautiful surprises happened
what this beautiful girl did , changed lots of things in me , i restored part of who i am ,believed in the world again , and felt really loved ,she really touched my soul .
“god in him hope is never dead ,in him love is never lost “
my mum has this story that she tells everyone about me, when I was 6 or 7 , we had one of our relatives staying with us , and she would take me to bed and tell me stories, so one day she asked me what do we fear the most, and I told her nothing ,so she asked again ,and I insisted we fear nothing, and she said yes but we fear god, and I told her no ,we only love him .
my mum is so proud of this story ,because she takes high pride in teaching us to love god and only love him , we always dealt with his commands with love, never been forced to do anything we didn’t want to do ,we would learn about it ,ask questions ,and if we’re convinced we do it ,if not we don’t
Then growing up ,as my life transformed me into someone who fears almost everything, this had to affect my relation with god ,I started questioning everything from a place of anger more than understanding , and even when I didn’t question ,I felt more of fear ,and guilt , not love ,and it had the worst impact on me , i feared everything , his punishment ,that I won’t be good enough for his love ,and that I don’t have enough strength to be where am supposed to be in my life, to do whatever he created me to do ,my mission on earth .
Am OK with questioning everything, but the fear part is what made me so angry on myself, I love god how would I fear him.
Even if am struggling with all kinds of fear in my life, this one I wasn’t ready for ,I wanted to change and deal with it
in our religion ,We have this list of things that we’re forbidden to do, and one of them is “don’t lose hope in gods mercy” ,when I was a kid I didn’t understand why would this be something wrong, if I lost hope may be it means am in a bad place, or I did something really bad and I don’t think he will forgive me ,but then when I found myself in this fear relationship , I understood how this comes from a place of love, he doesn’t want us to give up completely, he knows that life it’s not easy, and we can’t always do the right things, and he wants us to know and believe that he’s always there, so if u lost hope in all humanity and in yourself, don’t lose hope in your god ,and that will ensure that you will never stop ,you will keep going on just because he’s there beside you ,how much more love can we ask for.
now my fear also comes from a place of love, I fear to upset him, lose the connection ,or do things that will build walls between me and my faith ,that kind of fear that keeps me trying to be a better person every day, the fear that when I do something wrong I’ll come back much faster because I felt bad upsetting my god , injuring my faith ,it’s like your relationship will the people you love and fear to lose, but this time it’s with someone who promises you will never lose him,or his love , so he deserves much more love.
i feel like even if you don’t believe in god you should have this someone or something ,that you believe in unconditionally, you know is your last straw that will never let you down ,that can love you unconditionally ,and the feeling of his presence will some how strengthen you during your darkest hours .
“ there’s two rules on the spiritual path- begin and continue-”Sufi saying
I feel that am in the right way to have my old unconditional love relationship with my god and faith , and now more than ever I understand why we should never lose hope in gods mercy and love
“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other.” ― S.E. Hall, Emerge
In my religion we believe that “‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.”
So everyone we met on earth we already met before , and sometime I wish I remember who was my perfect mate ,when I was a soul ,so it would be easier on earth
There is one person in my life I didn’t talk about yet , my fiancé , we been together for two and half years today ,started actually as best friends and then had a two year relationship and got engage 6 months ago, he had to travel for work after the engagement ,so it’s a long distance now ,and with this new situation ,and different difficulties happening in my life and his ,it’s really complicated now, and we’re barely talking .
as someone who didn’t have that many friends ,and it’s not easy to trust someone enough ,it surprised me how he made me feel comfortable and made it easy for me to be friends and open up to him ,at first he was fascinated by me being different than everyone he knew before “ more crazy “ ,and I helped him with something he was working on ,and then we became best friends, I felt he challenges me , he made me open up more to other people ,he believed in my ability to find my voice and do something great in my life, he made me take care of myself more, go out more, do normal things, and think about myself ,and the things I can do instead of what I can’t do ,so it was a great friendship
And then when we started our relationship, I felt it won’t be that hard I already knew him very good and he knew me, how hard would it be, we’ll help each other grow, and I already had the feeling that we met in cross roads in our life’s and began growing together, so it was an amazing experience at first
I feel like to take this decision ,to find your perfect mate, you have to be healed and ready yourself first ,and I knew I had a long path before am ready but at the same time I always felt that my partner will be someone who connects with my spirit and fills it ,and at first I felt that he’s that someone ,so I thought why not just walk this road together ,then I discovered what I already knew .any thoughts that you can walk this path with someone with you is just hurting you and the other person .
while our true selves began to revealed we met many differences ,more than you would normally expect, had many heated arguments, but we both have one thing in common ,we hold on for too long
I gave this relationship a lot and it’s really hard for me to let go ,or even know when it’s right to keep fighting and when it’s time to let go
What kept me going before was the feeling that I’ll never find my perfect mate anyway, so why give up on something with some work can be great, and I believe that great relationships are built and not found, actually it was great at times
and what makes me hold on now is my knowledge that am not in any place to judge my relationship ,am In a really bad place in my life and so is he ,so why give up now ,so we agreed on taking a break ,maybe it’s because we’re too afraid to give up completely now, and may be because this really deserves a chance ,am not sure yet ,but anyways am happy with our decision. Wish us the best of luck