new beginnings

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in ancient Egypt ,architects had this fear of wasted areas ,they had to fill the space with beautiful details, writers  described it as “being horrified by empty spaces “ they used every strong word to describe how much it wasn’t acceptable by them to see an empty space that can be used and not use it

When I look at my life and how I spent my life so far, I feel horrified by wasted time

Since today is my birthday   , I have this reminder that am getting older and haven’t yet found what am looking for

since the time I was 16 I started feeling I should of found my passion by now, so as I didn’t find it year after year I was getting more frustrated with myself, and how am getting older but not finding what I want to do, my birthdays became more of a punishment, a reminder that time is running from me

since I was 16 I learned different things, gave thinking courses and workshops, got involved in the energy healing world, studied healthy nutrition school to help others and myself, got involved in politics awareness a little bet, read a lot about anything and everything, hoping I will find my thing, I took many first steps, but none of them felt right

sometimes I try to remind myself that am still young ,and what I did so far is not that bad ,but am never really convinced I feel like an old soul ,that doesn’t have much time ,and needs to do something now

I know am fascinated by people ,how we think and act , and I want to help others  feel better and be better versions of themselves ,but I still don’t really know how .

Finding you path is really hard, and feeling you been searching for forever is frustrating ,especially when you have the feeling that you have something to offer to the world ,I can contribute ,I know I can ,but I don’t know how .

A month ago these were my thoughts, here’s another year wasted, with nothing new, exciting, what could happen in one month right!

Well now a month later ,and in my birthday  I can say lots of things happened, I moved to another country , found a job as close as it can be to what I want to do  and learn , found a place for myself  to live alone for the first time , and still there’s a lot to explore  here .

If there’s one thing I learned this year, is that a lot can happen in a really short time, never stop and never ever give up

29-1-2015 is my 24th birthday, usually I would have people to celebrate it with, but fewer things to celebrate, now am celebrating a whole new life alone

Miss my family, but love the change .

finally moving away

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i was so busy preparing myself to travel  with my friends sweet baby to another country , i finally finished my papers , and will go at Monday , so excited and nervous , just the fact that i can’t go back for a year and half  is a little bit scary , but i love the new beginning , wish me lots of luck , i hope when i get there i’ll go back to writing posts ,i loved blogging  🙂

Faith between love and fear

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love

“god in him hope is never dead ,in him love is never lost “

my mum has this story that she tells everyone about me, when I was 6 or 7 , we had one of our relatives staying with us , and she would take me to bed and tell me stories, so one day she asked me what do we fear the most, and I told her nothing ,so she asked again ,and I insisted we fear nothing, and she said yes but we fear god, and I told her no ,we only love him .

my mum is so proud of this story ,because she takes high pride in teaching us to love god and only love him , we always dealt with his commands with love, never been forced to do anything we didn’t want to do ,we would learn about it ,ask questions ,and  if we’re convinced we do it ,if not we don’t

Then growing up ,as my life transformed me into someone who fears almost everything, this had to affect my relation with god ,I started questioning everything from a place of anger more than understanding , and  even when I didn’t question ,I felt  more  of fear ,and guilt , not love ,and it had the worst impact on me , i feared everything , his punishment ,that I won’t be good enough for his love ,and that I don’t have enough strength to be where am supposed to be in my life, to do whatever  he created me to do ,my mission on earth .

Am OK with questioning everything, but the fear part is what made me so angry on myself, I love god how would I fear him.

Even if am struggling with all kinds of fear in my life, this one I wasn’t ready for ,I wanted to change and deal with it

in our religion ,We have this list of things that we’re forbidden to do, and one of them is “don’t lose hope in gods mercy” ,when I was a kid I didn’t understand why would this be something  wrong, if I lost hope may be it means am in a bad place, or I did something really bad and I don’t think he will forgive me ,but then when I found myself in this fear relationship , I understood how this comes from a place of love, he doesn’t want us to give up completely, he knows that life  it’s not easy, and we can’t always do the right things, and he wants us to know and believe  that he’s always there, so if u lost hope in all humanity and in yourself, don’t lose hope in your god ,and that will ensure that you will never stop ,you will keep going on just because he’s there beside you ,how much more love can we ask for.

now  my fear   also comes from a place of love, I fear to upset him, lose the connection ,or do things that will build walls between me and my faith ,that kind of fear that keeps me trying to be a better person  every day, the fear that when I do something wrong  I’ll come back much faster because I felt bad upsetting my god , injuring my faith ,it’s like your relationship will the people you love and fear to lose, but this time it’s with someone who promises you will never lose him,or his love , so he deserves much more love.

i feel like even if you don’t believe in god you should have this someone or something ,that you believe in unconditionally, you know is your last straw that will never let you down ,that can love you unconditionally ,and the feeling of his presence will some how strengthen you during your darkest hours .

“ there’s two rules  on the spiritual path- begin and continue-”Sufi saying

I feel that am in the right way to have  my old unconditional love relationship with my god and faith , and now more than ever I understand why we should never lose hope in gods mercy and love

Nothing stays buried

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In my family we are split in two teams when it comes to the past,the one that believes you can bury the past and just forget about it ,it will do no one any good to bring it up or talk about it , and there’s me ,who thinks nothing stays buried ,it all comes out one way or the other ,and  sees how our past effected every single one of us ,and  always wanted to get it out talk about it ,heal and then move on

I’ll tell the story from the start , am the oldest daughter in my family , I have a brother and sister , my dad is a great writer ,but it’s the only thing he does right , he was an abusive husband and dad

First when we were little my mum used to take us to my grand ma’s house a lot ,and get us away from my dad’s present so we can’t see his darker side coming out , and we didn’t ,we thought or at least I had this perfect family image in my mind ,but then when I was 12 we moved to another country , which forced us to stay together the whole first year ,and we sew the other face ,I was chocked as  you can imagine , and as a little girl I guess I waited for my mum  to say something that would make it ok somehow , but when it all got out ,and he was hurting her ,she was too hurt to deal with us, she kept asking me to middle between them ,she asked me to defend her against him ,I was at first too scared and sensitive to do it ,but it gave me  a huge feeling of guilt , so I became by time my mums biggest defender ,encourage her to go back to work, to get a divorce and we’ll have her back against my dad and our whole family

Till my mum got her divorce 5 years ago I always felt I had to have her back, she doesn’t have to worry about me or my sister and brother, and I kept them out of the situation as much as I could, but after the divorce I felt this build up feelings of anger frustration and loneliness coming out, I felt like this is my time to be heard, hugged or just listened to, and the struggle began between me and my dearest person in the world my mum.

She kept shutting me up, don’t talk about it and it will go away, be happy , find yourself and your career ,and while I was struggling in almost every aspect in my life, she kept attacking me ,that I became too weak ,that I give up too easily ,that she never thought her older smartest kid ,would turn out like I did ,trapped in her own sadness ,and  just lost

Seeing how my mum and my brother and sister’s personality transformed after the divorce ,each one in his own way , I knew I wasn’t  the only one struggling with getting his emotions out, and I deeply believed we should deal with it as a family ,getting help if we needed to ,so we can truly move on ,but no one else seemed to see it this way

During this past few year I kept doing my best supporting my mum in her career ,I graduated from college ,studied  business administration , but I always studied at home as I was learning to be a healer like my mum to help her establish her own place and two years ago we did

But the frustrating part is ,I always felt am doing this to buy back my mums love ,I never loved energy healing I know what I love ,but I had to do it ,and I never felt she  understood, of course as an expressive person “only to the people close to me “ , I tried telling her how I feel many times ,asking her to care a little ,may be stop saying hurtful words every single day , but she didn’t , she kept asking me to move on try to find what I really want to do ,but she wants me to find it like yesterday ,no searching no mistakes ,no time wasted ,” which is really hard if you feel that your mission on earth is helping lost souls like me “

If you knew my mum ,you wouldn’t believe what am saying ,she is a wonderful person ,she helps everyone and anyone in need ,she provides for us till now ,and she’s a really hard worker ,and we learned a lot from her ,but I don’t know why when it comes to family we are crazy

And adding to this complicated relation is my teacher and mentor who also became my step dad 😀 , the worst triangle ever ,he actually believes in me and that am going to do something amazing in my life ,but her also traps me to middle between him and the rest of the family as am the closest one to him

So few months ago ,we had one of our fights ,I went to my room ,didn’t and couldn’t come out for more than a week ,I was frustrated, angry ,hurt ,you name it ,and then I told them am not coming back to work with you , I don’t want anything to do with both of you ,no middling ,no weird long discussion “which was our thing ,they love long lessons in life ,that leaves you frustrated ,and without you expressing anything in return “ , and they left angry ,my step dad told me your karma will get you ,be careful ,and my mum thinks I just can’t let the past go ,and that’s why am struggling .

Well she is right , I never before now talked about how it all really made me feel ,or how it’s affecting me till now, no one knew how frustrated I’m for working In a major I don’t like ,instead of searching for myself

I always say as I believe  that yes we defined our future ,and control our minds , and I believed that am just too weak to let it go without really dealing with it ,and I tried all this years  not going back ,not thinking about it ,faking a smile ,but  it keeps coming back ,and keeps me trapped in a place I don’t want to be in ,I know I shouldn’t be traped in the past for too long “I actually help people deal with their emotions “,but maybe like those people ,I  need to let it out ,talk about it and then move on

So I’ll get it out her, hope if you read so far you can give me a feedback, useful criticism or advice, I’ll really appreciate it