when you least expect it

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 “in the blink of an eye,something happens by chance-when you least expect it-sets you on a course that you never planned, into a future you never imagined “

this last month  my life went upside down in a good way  , after a month of sitting alone in my room not finding the strength to talk with any one or do anything it all changed with one act of love .

in my home we are used to having people living with us for different reasons ,but mainly they were girls who need a place to live in and have difficulties in their own homes , one of those girls was my sister’s friend from college ,she lived with us for 3 years ,used to call me mum “am only one year older than her ” ,and we had a great relation ,two years ago she got married and traveled with her husband to work in another country ,we skyped sometime but communication became way less than before , and she came to visit once before ,and this last month

when she came she couldn’t believe the bad place i was in , and surprising enough for me , she was the first one to not ask me to explain myself , or my actions, she just sat beside me ,told me “i lived with you , and i can say i know why you’re feeling the way you do , and i know what hurts you ,and why you can’t talk to your family about it ,and i have the solution , all i need is for you to accept help ” just like that ,we talked a lot ,i went and lived with her this month ,she went back yesterday,,and in the coming few weeks am traveling to go live with her  and search for a new job there

all this was a great surprise for me , i never would of expected this to happen, now i believe more than ever “sometime something beautiful happens when you least expect it ”

and this wasn’t the end of it , once i decided to have the courage to open my heart again , many other beautiful surprises happened

what this beautiful girl did , changed lots of things in me , i restored part of who i am ,believed in the world again , and felt really loved ,she really touched my soul .

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Your perfect mate

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“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other.” ― S.E. Hall, Emerge

In my religion we believe that “‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.”

So everyone we met on earth we already met before , and sometime I wish I remember who was my perfect mate ,when I was a soul ,so it would be easier on earth

There is one person in my life I didn’t talk about yet , my fiancé , we been together for two and half years today ,started actually as best friends and then had a two year relationship and got engage 6 months ago,  he had to  travel for work after the engagement ,so it’s a long distance now ,and with this new situation ,and different difficulties happening in my life and his ,it’s really complicated now, and we’re barely talking .

as someone who didn’t have that many friends ,and it’s not easy to trust someone enough ,it surprised me how he made me feel comfortable and made it easy for me to be friends and open up to him ,at first  he was fascinated by me being different than everyone he knew before “ more crazy “ ,and I helped him with something he was working on ,and then we became best friends, I felt he challenges me , he made me open up more to other people ,he believed in my ability to find my voice and do something great in my life, he made me take care of myself more, go out more, do normal things, and think about myself ,and the things I can do instead of what I can’t do ,so it was a great friendship

And then when we started our relationship, I felt it won’t be that hard I already knew him very good and he knew me, how hard would it be, we’ll help each other grow, and I already had the feeling that we met in cross roads in our life’s and began growing together, so it was an amazing experience at first

I feel like to take this decision ,to find your perfect mate, you have to  be healed and ready yourself first ,and I knew I had a long path before am ready  but at the same time I always felt that my partner will be someone who connects with my spirit and fills it ,and at first I felt that he’s that someone ,so I thought why not just walk this road together ,then I discovered what I already knew .any thoughts that you can walk this path with someone with you is just hurting you and the other person .

while our true selves began to revealed we met many differences ,more than you would normally expect, had many heated arguments, but we both have one thing in common ,we hold on for too long

I gave this relationship a lot and it’s really hard for me to let go ,or even know when it’s right to keep fighting and when it’s time to let go

What kept me going before was the feeling that I’ll never find my perfect mate anyway, so why give up on something with some work can be great, and I believe that great relationships are built and not found, actually it was great at times

and what makes me hold on now is my knowledge that am not in any place to judge my relationship ,am In a really bad place in my life and so is he ,so why give up now ,so we agreed on taking a break ,maybe it’s because we’re too afraid to give up completely now, and may be because this really deserves  a chance ,am not sure yet ,but anyways am happy with our  decision. Wish us the best of luck

Living by giving

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give

This old song “ if tomorrow never comes” , gets me every time I hear it , the meaning that if tomorrow never comes ,am I leaving my loved ones knowing how much I cared and loved them , will they feel I did everything in my power to help while I was a life ,or will I have regrets

Struggling with personal problems with my whole family, I always had this question, how we are all human beings, but still our definition of how we take care of ourselves and others can be completely different even growing up in the same home.

I can relate and understand our different approaches in taking care of ourselves, I feel it mainly can be split into  two ways

— People who used an inward approach, by having time for themselves, reviewing their life from time to time, dealing with their own emotions and problems and move on

–And there’s the outward approach of engaging in the world around you, giving and loving people and it all gives you a good feeling and a better life in general

I believe we should blend both as much as we feel comfortable with ,but I feel that people shut down ,and only focus on their  selves and only their needs, which turns them  into being selfish  and not really helping themselves or others

*My struggle is with how we take care of others and how much we ‘are willing to do, and listen to their needs

In some of the people around me, they feel they are struggling more than anyone in their life, so they are the only one’s deserving support, they shouldn’t be asked to give it out

And for other’s they feel it’s a burden on their shoulders to try to make someone else happy, or supported, especially if they really need it, they feel stressed if the people around them are stressed so they get mad at them instead of helping out

And the ones who fear opening up to other people or showing emotions, and those harm themselves way more than they do to other people

And there’s the kind that always gives excuses ,like I don’t have the time or energy ,or I didn’t know they needed me ,but who said you should only be there when they ask for it , why not  just give as much as you can.

Am not suggesting we should harm ourselves in the process, or give people who keep hurting us if we aren’t strong enough to handle it

but just giving  in general , with love and care is really needed in the world we live in ,and although everyone needs it ,it seems like very few  are willing to do it

For a long time in my life ,I felt like to care about someone ,is to  try to have their back ,give them support on every level possible if you can ,just do whatever you can ,whenever you can do it ,and it doesn’t have to be asked for ,and I actually thought it’s really easy ,even growing up In an abusive home , I felt like I still have lots of love and care to give to whoever needs it

I didn’t make excuses to not help anyone ,and I didn’t feel weird or stressed doing it ,I really felt better doing it , I like loving people ,showing them am there if they need me ,surprising others ,I love surprises ,planning them ,and just seeing that look on someone’s face makes my world smile ,hugging and saying I love you as often as I can ,and I never feel I gave enough ,there’s no enough or too much when it comes to love, and the thing is I never once sew someone complain that am too loving or something ,they love it ,so why if we all can appreciate or at least like getting this kind of support ,why there isn’t enough people giving it out ,why do we keep it to ourselves ,to not open up ,show how we feel ,make someone else feel special as much as we can

An then by time and as people come and go in my life , I still believe in “living by giving “ ,but sometimes I find it hard with some people and I understood more why not everyone would just open up and give others

But still shutting out more, didn’t make me feel better, actually it made me feel worse, weaker, like there is something missing.

I faced lots of harm and abuse in my life , and even though am still struggling with it ,and I have my bad days , I always felt  I can give lots of love  out anyway ,so why shouldn’t we all just try to give more.

In my world I spell love “g-i-v-e”