new beginnings

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in ancient Egypt ,architects had this fear of wasted areas ,they had to fill the space with beautiful details, writers  described it as “being horrified by empty spaces “ they used every strong word to describe how much it wasn’t acceptable by them to see an empty space that can be used and not use it

When I look at my life and how I spent my life so far, I feel horrified by wasted time

Since today is my birthday   , I have this reminder that am getting older and haven’t yet found what am looking for

since the time I was 16 I started feeling I should of found my passion by now, so as I didn’t find it year after year I was getting more frustrated with myself, and how am getting older but not finding what I want to do, my birthdays became more of a punishment, a reminder that time is running from me

since I was 16 I learned different things, gave thinking courses and workshops, got involved in the energy healing world, studied healthy nutrition school to help others and myself, got involved in politics awareness a little bet, read a lot about anything and everything, hoping I will find my thing, I took many first steps, but none of them felt right

sometimes I try to remind myself that am still young ,and what I did so far is not that bad ,but am never really convinced I feel like an old soul ,that doesn’t have much time ,and needs to do something now

I know am fascinated by people ,how we think and act , and I want to help others  feel better and be better versions of themselves ,but I still don’t really know how .

Finding you path is really hard, and feeling you been searching for forever is frustrating ,especially when you have the feeling that you have something to offer to the world ,I can contribute ,I know I can ,but I don’t know how .

A month ago these were my thoughts, here’s another year wasted, with nothing new, exciting, what could happen in one month right!

Well now a month later ,and in my birthday  I can say lots of things happened, I moved to another country , found a job as close as it can be to what I want to do  and learn , found a place for myself  to live alone for the first time , and still there’s a lot to explore  here .

If there’s one thing I learned this year, is that a lot can happen in a really short time, never stop and never ever give up

29-1-2015 is my 24th birthday, usually I would have people to celebrate it with, but fewer things to celebrate, now am celebrating a whole new life alone

Miss my family, but love the change .

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Living by giving

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give

This old song “ if tomorrow never comes” , gets me every time I hear it , the meaning that if tomorrow never comes ,am I leaving my loved ones knowing how much I cared and loved them , will they feel I did everything in my power to help while I was a life ,or will I have regrets

Struggling with personal problems with my whole family, I always had this question, how we are all human beings, but still our definition of how we take care of ourselves and others can be completely different even growing up in the same home.

I can relate and understand our different approaches in taking care of ourselves, I feel it mainly can be split into  two ways

— People who used an inward approach, by having time for themselves, reviewing their life from time to time, dealing with their own emotions and problems and move on

–And there’s the outward approach of engaging in the world around you, giving and loving people and it all gives you a good feeling and a better life in general

I believe we should blend both as much as we feel comfortable with ,but I feel that people shut down ,and only focus on their  selves and only their needs, which turns them  into being selfish  and not really helping themselves or others

*My struggle is with how we take care of others and how much we ‘are willing to do, and listen to their needs

In some of the people around me, they feel they are struggling more than anyone in their life, so they are the only one’s deserving support, they shouldn’t be asked to give it out

And for other’s they feel it’s a burden on their shoulders to try to make someone else happy, or supported, especially if they really need it, they feel stressed if the people around them are stressed so they get mad at them instead of helping out

And the ones who fear opening up to other people or showing emotions, and those harm themselves way more than they do to other people

And there’s the kind that always gives excuses ,like I don’t have the time or energy ,or I didn’t know they needed me ,but who said you should only be there when they ask for it , why not  just give as much as you can.

Am not suggesting we should harm ourselves in the process, or give people who keep hurting us if we aren’t strong enough to handle it

but just giving  in general , with love and care is really needed in the world we live in ,and although everyone needs it ,it seems like very few  are willing to do it

For a long time in my life ,I felt like to care about someone ,is to  try to have their back ,give them support on every level possible if you can ,just do whatever you can ,whenever you can do it ,and it doesn’t have to be asked for ,and I actually thought it’s really easy ,even growing up In an abusive home , I felt like I still have lots of love and care to give to whoever needs it

I didn’t make excuses to not help anyone ,and I didn’t feel weird or stressed doing it ,I really felt better doing it , I like loving people ,showing them am there if they need me ,surprising others ,I love surprises ,planning them ,and just seeing that look on someone’s face makes my world smile ,hugging and saying I love you as often as I can ,and I never feel I gave enough ,there’s no enough or too much when it comes to love, and the thing is I never once sew someone complain that am too loving or something ,they love it ,so why if we all can appreciate or at least like getting this kind of support ,why there isn’t enough people giving it out ,why do we keep it to ourselves ,to not open up ,show how we feel ,make someone else feel special as much as we can

An then by time and as people come and go in my life , I still believe in “living by giving “ ,but sometimes I find it hard with some people and I understood more why not everyone would just open up and give others

But still shutting out more, didn’t make me feel better, actually it made me feel worse, weaker, like there is something missing.

I faced lots of harm and abuse in my life , and even though am still struggling with it ,and I have my bad days , I always felt  I can give lots of love  out anyway ,so why shouldn’t we all just try to give more.

In my world I spell love “g-i-v-e”

Nothing stays buried

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In my family we are split in two teams when it comes to the past,the one that believes you can bury the past and just forget about it ,it will do no one any good to bring it up or talk about it , and there’s me ,who thinks nothing stays buried ,it all comes out one way or the other ,and  sees how our past effected every single one of us ,and  always wanted to get it out talk about it ,heal and then move on

I’ll tell the story from the start , am the oldest daughter in my family , I have a brother and sister , my dad is a great writer ,but it’s the only thing he does right , he was an abusive husband and dad

First when we were little my mum used to take us to my grand ma’s house a lot ,and get us away from my dad’s present so we can’t see his darker side coming out , and we didn’t ,we thought or at least I had this perfect family image in my mind ,but then when I was 12 we moved to another country , which forced us to stay together the whole first year ,and we sew the other face ,I was chocked as  you can imagine , and as a little girl I guess I waited for my mum  to say something that would make it ok somehow , but when it all got out ,and he was hurting her ,she was too hurt to deal with us, she kept asking me to middle between them ,she asked me to defend her against him ,I was at first too scared and sensitive to do it ,but it gave me  a huge feeling of guilt , so I became by time my mums biggest defender ,encourage her to go back to work, to get a divorce and we’ll have her back against my dad and our whole family

Till my mum got her divorce 5 years ago I always felt I had to have her back, she doesn’t have to worry about me or my sister and brother, and I kept them out of the situation as much as I could, but after the divorce I felt this build up feelings of anger frustration and loneliness coming out, I felt like this is my time to be heard, hugged or just listened to, and the struggle began between me and my dearest person in the world my mum.

She kept shutting me up, don’t talk about it and it will go away, be happy , find yourself and your career ,and while I was struggling in almost every aspect in my life, she kept attacking me ,that I became too weak ,that I give up too easily ,that she never thought her older smartest kid ,would turn out like I did ,trapped in her own sadness ,and  just lost

Seeing how my mum and my brother and sister’s personality transformed after the divorce ,each one in his own way , I knew I wasn’t  the only one struggling with getting his emotions out, and I deeply believed we should deal with it as a family ,getting help if we needed to ,so we can truly move on ,but no one else seemed to see it this way

During this past few year I kept doing my best supporting my mum in her career ,I graduated from college ,studied  business administration , but I always studied at home as I was learning to be a healer like my mum to help her establish her own place and two years ago we did

But the frustrating part is ,I always felt am doing this to buy back my mums love ,I never loved energy healing I know what I love ,but I had to do it ,and I never felt she  understood, of course as an expressive person “only to the people close to me “ , I tried telling her how I feel many times ,asking her to care a little ,may be stop saying hurtful words every single day , but she didn’t , she kept asking me to move on try to find what I really want to do ,but she wants me to find it like yesterday ,no searching no mistakes ,no time wasted ,” which is really hard if you feel that your mission on earth is helping lost souls like me “

If you knew my mum ,you wouldn’t believe what am saying ,she is a wonderful person ,she helps everyone and anyone in need ,she provides for us till now ,and she’s a really hard worker ,and we learned a lot from her ,but I don’t know why when it comes to family we are crazy

And adding to this complicated relation is my teacher and mentor who also became my step dad 😀 , the worst triangle ever ,he actually believes in me and that am going to do something amazing in my life ,but her also traps me to middle between him and the rest of the family as am the closest one to him

So few months ago ,we had one of our fights ,I went to my room ,didn’t and couldn’t come out for more than a week ,I was frustrated, angry ,hurt ,you name it ,and then I told them am not coming back to work with you , I don’t want anything to do with both of you ,no middling ,no weird long discussion “which was our thing ,they love long lessons in life ,that leaves you frustrated ,and without you expressing anything in return “ , and they left angry ,my step dad told me your karma will get you ,be careful ,and my mum thinks I just can’t let the past go ,and that’s why am struggling .

Well she is right , I never before now talked about how it all really made me feel ,or how it’s affecting me till now, no one knew how frustrated I’m for working In a major I don’t like ,instead of searching for myself

I always say as I believe  that yes we defined our future ,and control our minds , and I believed that am just too weak to let it go without really dealing with it ,and I tried all this years  not going back ,not thinking about it ,faking a smile ,but  it keeps coming back ,and keeps me trapped in a place I don’t want to be in ,I know I shouldn’t be traped in the past for too long “I actually help people deal with their emotions “,but maybe like those people ,I  need to let it out ,talk about it and then move on

So I’ll get it out her, hope if you read so far you can give me a feedback, useful criticism or advice, I’ll really appreciate it