new beginnings

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in ancient Egypt ,architects had this fear of wasted areas ,they had to fill the space with beautiful details, writers  described it as “being horrified by empty spaces “ they used every strong word to describe how much it wasn’t acceptable by them to see an empty space that can be used and not use it

When I look at my life and how I spent my life so far, I feel horrified by wasted time

Since today is my birthday   , I have this reminder that am getting older and haven’t yet found what am looking for

since the time I was 16 I started feeling I should of found my passion by now, so as I didn’t find it year after year I was getting more frustrated with myself, and how am getting older but not finding what I want to do, my birthdays became more of a punishment, a reminder that time is running from me

since I was 16 I learned different things, gave thinking courses and workshops, got involved in the energy healing world, studied healthy nutrition school to help others and myself, got involved in politics awareness a little bet, read a lot about anything and everything, hoping I will find my thing, I took many first steps, but none of them felt right

sometimes I try to remind myself that am still young ,and what I did so far is not that bad ,but am never really convinced I feel like an old soul ,that doesn’t have much time ,and needs to do something now

I know am fascinated by people ,how we think and act , and I want to help others  feel better and be better versions of themselves ,but I still don’t really know how .

Finding you path is really hard, and feeling you been searching for forever is frustrating ,especially when you have the feeling that you have something to offer to the world ,I can contribute ,I know I can ,but I don’t know how .

A month ago these were my thoughts, here’s another year wasted, with nothing new, exciting, what could happen in one month right!

Well now a month later ,and in my birthday  I can say lots of things happened, I moved to another country , found a job as close as it can be to what I want to do  and learn , found a place for myself  to live alone for the first time , and still there’s a lot to explore  here .

If there’s one thing I learned this year, is that a lot can happen in a really short time, never stop and never ever give up

29-1-2015 is my 24th birthday, usually I would have people to celebrate it with, but fewer things to celebrate, now am celebrating a whole new life alone

Miss my family, but love the change .

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Faith between love and fear

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love

“god in him hope is never dead ,in him love is never lost “

my mum has this story that she tells everyone about me, when I was 6 or 7 , we had one of our relatives staying with us , and she would take me to bed and tell me stories, so one day she asked me what do we fear the most, and I told her nothing ,so she asked again ,and I insisted we fear nothing, and she said yes but we fear god, and I told her no ,we only love him .

my mum is so proud of this story ,because she takes high pride in teaching us to love god and only love him , we always dealt with his commands with love, never been forced to do anything we didn’t want to do ,we would learn about it ,ask questions ,and  if we’re convinced we do it ,if not we don’t

Then growing up ,as my life transformed me into someone who fears almost everything, this had to affect my relation with god ,I started questioning everything from a place of anger more than understanding , and  even when I didn’t question ,I felt  more  of fear ,and guilt , not love ,and it had the worst impact on me , i feared everything , his punishment ,that I won’t be good enough for his love ,and that I don’t have enough strength to be where am supposed to be in my life, to do whatever  he created me to do ,my mission on earth .

Am OK with questioning everything, but the fear part is what made me so angry on myself, I love god how would I fear him.

Even if am struggling with all kinds of fear in my life, this one I wasn’t ready for ,I wanted to change and deal with it

in our religion ,We have this list of things that we’re forbidden to do, and one of them is “don’t lose hope in gods mercy” ,when I was a kid I didn’t understand why would this be something  wrong, if I lost hope may be it means am in a bad place, or I did something really bad and I don’t think he will forgive me ,but then when I found myself in this fear relationship , I understood how this comes from a place of love, he doesn’t want us to give up completely, he knows that life  it’s not easy, and we can’t always do the right things, and he wants us to know and believe  that he’s always there, so if u lost hope in all humanity and in yourself, don’t lose hope in your god ,and that will ensure that you will never stop ,you will keep going on just because he’s there beside you ,how much more love can we ask for.

now  my fear   also comes from a place of love, I fear to upset him, lose the connection ,or do things that will build walls between me and my faith ,that kind of fear that keeps me trying to be a better person  every day, the fear that when I do something wrong  I’ll come back much faster because I felt bad upsetting my god , injuring my faith ,it’s like your relationship will the people you love and fear to lose, but this time it’s with someone who promises you will never lose him,or his love , so he deserves much more love.

i feel like even if you don’t believe in god you should have this someone or something ,that you believe in unconditionally, you know is your last straw that will never let you down ,that can love you unconditionally ,and the feeling of his presence will some how strengthen you during your darkest hours .

“ there’s two rules  on the spiritual path- begin and continue-”Sufi saying

I feel that am in the right way to have  my old unconditional love relationship with my god and faith , and now more than ever I understand why we should never lose hope in gods mercy and love

Your perfect mate

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“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other.” ― S.E. Hall, Emerge

In my religion we believe that “‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.”

So everyone we met on earth we already met before , and sometime I wish I remember who was my perfect mate ,when I was a soul ,so it would be easier on earth

There is one person in my life I didn’t talk about yet , my fiancé , we been together for two and half years today ,started actually as best friends and then had a two year relationship and got engage 6 months ago,  he had to  travel for work after the engagement ,so it’s a long distance now ,and with this new situation ,and different difficulties happening in my life and his ,it’s really complicated now, and we’re barely talking .

as someone who didn’t have that many friends ,and it’s not easy to trust someone enough ,it surprised me how he made me feel comfortable and made it easy for me to be friends and open up to him ,at first  he was fascinated by me being different than everyone he knew before “ more crazy “ ,and I helped him with something he was working on ,and then we became best friends, I felt he challenges me , he made me open up more to other people ,he believed in my ability to find my voice and do something great in my life, he made me take care of myself more, go out more, do normal things, and think about myself ,and the things I can do instead of what I can’t do ,so it was a great friendship

And then when we started our relationship, I felt it won’t be that hard I already knew him very good and he knew me, how hard would it be, we’ll help each other grow, and I already had the feeling that we met in cross roads in our life’s and began growing together, so it was an amazing experience at first

I feel like to take this decision ,to find your perfect mate, you have to  be healed and ready yourself first ,and I knew I had a long path before am ready  but at the same time I always felt that my partner will be someone who connects with my spirit and fills it ,and at first I felt that he’s that someone ,so I thought why not just walk this road together ,then I discovered what I already knew .any thoughts that you can walk this path with someone with you is just hurting you and the other person .

while our true selves began to revealed we met many differences ,more than you would normally expect, had many heated arguments, but we both have one thing in common ,we hold on for too long

I gave this relationship a lot and it’s really hard for me to let go ,or even know when it’s right to keep fighting and when it’s time to let go

What kept me going before was the feeling that I’ll never find my perfect mate anyway, so why give up on something with some work can be great, and I believe that great relationships are built and not found, actually it was great at times

and what makes me hold on now is my knowledge that am not in any place to judge my relationship ,am In a really bad place in my life and so is he ,so why give up now ,so we agreed on taking a break ,maybe it’s because we’re too afraid to give up completely now, and may be because this really deserves  a chance ,am not sure yet ,but anyways am happy with our  decision. Wish us the best of luck