happy new year

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when you least expect it

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 “in the blink of an eye,something happens by chance-when you least expect it-sets you on a course that you never planned, into a future you never imagined “

this last month  my life went upside down in a good way  , after a month of sitting alone in my room not finding the strength to talk with any one or do anything it all changed with one act of love .

in my home we are used to having people living with us for different reasons ,but mainly they were girls who need a place to live in and have difficulties in their own homes , one of those girls was my sister’s friend from college ,she lived with us for 3 years ,used to call me mum “am only one year older than her ” ,and we had a great relation ,two years ago she got married and traveled with her husband to work in another country ,we skyped sometime but communication became way less than before , and she came to visit once before ,and this last month

when she came she couldn’t believe the bad place i was in , and surprising enough for me , she was the first one to not ask me to explain myself , or my actions, she just sat beside me ,told me “i lived with you , and i can say i know why you’re feeling the way you do , and i know what hurts you ,and why you can’t talk to your family about it ,and i have the solution , all i need is for you to accept help ” just like that ,we talked a lot ,i went and lived with her this month ,she went back yesterday,,and in the coming few weeks am traveling to go live with her  and search for a new job there

all this was a great surprise for me , i never would of expected this to happen, now i believe more than ever “sometime something beautiful happens when you least expect it ”

and this wasn’t the end of it , once i decided to have the courage to open my heart again , many other beautiful surprises happened

what this beautiful girl did , changed lots of things in me , i restored part of who i am ,believed in the world again , and felt really loved ,she really touched my soul .

Faith between love and fear

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love

“god in him hope is never dead ,in him love is never lost “

my mum has this story that she tells everyone about me, when I was 6 or 7 , we had one of our relatives staying with us , and she would take me to bed and tell me stories, so one day she asked me what do we fear the most, and I told her nothing ,so she asked again ,and I insisted we fear nothing, and she said yes but we fear god, and I told her no ,we only love him .

my mum is so proud of this story ,because she takes high pride in teaching us to love god and only love him , we always dealt with his commands with love, never been forced to do anything we didn’t want to do ,we would learn about it ,ask questions ,and  if we’re convinced we do it ,if not we don’t

Then growing up ,as my life transformed me into someone who fears almost everything, this had to affect my relation with god ,I started questioning everything from a place of anger more than understanding , and  even when I didn’t question ,I felt  more  of fear ,and guilt , not love ,and it had the worst impact on me , i feared everything , his punishment ,that I won’t be good enough for his love ,and that I don’t have enough strength to be where am supposed to be in my life, to do whatever  he created me to do ,my mission on earth .

Am OK with questioning everything, but the fear part is what made me so angry on myself, I love god how would I fear him.

Even if am struggling with all kinds of fear in my life, this one I wasn’t ready for ,I wanted to change and deal with it

in our religion ,We have this list of things that we’re forbidden to do, and one of them is “don’t lose hope in gods mercy” ,when I was a kid I didn’t understand why would this be something  wrong, if I lost hope may be it means am in a bad place, or I did something really bad and I don’t think he will forgive me ,but then when I found myself in this fear relationship , I understood how this comes from a place of love, he doesn’t want us to give up completely, he knows that life  it’s not easy, and we can’t always do the right things, and he wants us to know and believe  that he’s always there, so if u lost hope in all humanity and in yourself, don’t lose hope in your god ,and that will ensure that you will never stop ,you will keep going on just because he’s there beside you ,how much more love can we ask for.

now  my fear   also comes from a place of love, I fear to upset him, lose the connection ,or do things that will build walls between me and my faith ,that kind of fear that keeps me trying to be a better person  every day, the fear that when I do something wrong  I’ll come back much faster because I felt bad upsetting my god , injuring my faith ,it’s like your relationship will the people you love and fear to lose, but this time it’s with someone who promises you will never lose him,or his love , so he deserves much more love.

i feel like even if you don’t believe in god you should have this someone or something ,that you believe in unconditionally, you know is your last straw that will never let you down ,that can love you unconditionally ,and the feeling of his presence will some how strengthen you during your darkest hours .

“ there’s two rules  on the spiritual path- begin and continue-”Sufi saying

I feel that am in the right way to have  my old unconditional love relationship with my god and faith , and now more than ever I understand why we should never lose hope in gods mercy and love

We are souls

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This is my first post ,I never wrote anything before, and being a day dreamer  I always knew one day I’ll write ,but I  didn’t think I would  before  am old enough and know what I want in life so I can share a positive experience  with the world .

Ironically now am a 23 years old girl , struggling in my personal life ,  I feel like this is actually the time to write ,to share my views of the world which  varies from interesting  to dump ,and may be discover myself  in the way

am  always thinking  and wanting to learn about so many things , but mostly am fascinated with the human mind ,personalities, just how different we act in different situations ,how we connect as humans to each other and the world around us ,makes me want to dig more and know  why and how we do it ,may be discover my own ways and theories  one day ,to make it easier to understand our selves ,and change behaviors ,but now I guess I’ll start with myself.

as an overly sensitive person , everything I see in the world around me I connect it to a feeling ,no matter how it may seem small  or ordinary  to other people it will always mean something to me on a deeper level, this always brought me this inner sense of sadness that I didn’t get ,and  growing up I though it’s a bad thing  ,I thought I was the only person with this intense feeling going around all the time ,specially that no one got it , I didn’t meet someone on any time in my life who can understand me or who I can open up to , or just connect with ,had to struggle a lot with having intense feelings almost all the time ,but now after  concentrating , thinking and dealing a lot with it ,thinking it was my main problem ,searching for the balance ,I find out step by step it’s not something I want to  get rid of , am a better person because of  it or how I choose to deal with it .

for me I believe am a soul ,I believe we are all originally souls ,that stays in a body for a short period of time, and then our souls become free and transforms  ,but no matter how many shapes we change before or after this life, the main thing, the only constant is that we are souls , “you may think so too or name it our higher self ,our deep intuition “ whatever  u name it , that’s who we originally are, that’s the core ,and what i always wondered about, was why we choose to neglect this bigger part of us ,the one we really should communicate with ,and listen to ,and choose to give our ego the upper hand ,to make it the controlling part of all our actions, behaviors and feelings ,and just let it bring us such sadness ,hatred, and dissatisfaction..

my soul is the main source for all the good I do and feel , it’s the main source of our connection as humans ,the more am connected with it  ,the better human being  I feel  I can be  , and the less influence my ego  has on me ,and may be for me this connection shows in how deeply I feel about  the world around me  , and it shows in different forms for  other people  , I wouldn’t change who I am to be tougher , more cruel ,or disconnected from the world , so am embracing this connection , learning how to deal with it.

 Going through this tough period in my life, this is the one thing that still makes me want to keep going 

 am more happy with who I am , than I have ever been , and I wish I would never forget how precious my soul is to me .

That’s why I guess I want to be part of helping others how to hold the key to their souls.

just a thought “ if you remember that you are a soul before anything else , and find your own thing that makes you connect the best with it ,and do that  ,in a simple way ,how much would your life and many life’s around you change “,  for me It’s a daily struggle but it’s worth it ,because at the end we are all just souls .