“god in him hope is never dead ,in him love is never lost “
my mum has this story that she tells everyone about me, when I was 6 or 7 , we had one of our relatives staying with us , and she would take me to bed and tell me stories, so one day she asked me what do we fear the most, and I told her nothing ,so she asked again ,and I insisted we fear nothing, and she said yes but we fear god, and I told her no ,we only love him .
my mum is so proud of this story ,because she takes high pride in teaching us to love god and only love him , we always dealt with his commands with love, never been forced to do anything we didn’t want to do ,we would learn about it ,ask questions ,and if we’re convinced we do it ,if not we don’t
Then growing up ,as my life transformed me into someone who fears almost everything, this had to affect my relation with god ,I started questioning everything from a place of anger more than understanding , and even when I didn’t question ,I felt more of fear ,and guilt , not love ,and it had the worst impact on me , i feared everything , his punishment ,that I won’t be good enough for his love ,and that I don’t have enough strength to be where am supposed to be in my life, to do whatever he created me to do ,my mission on earth .
Am OK with questioning everything, but the fear part is what made me so angry on myself, I love god how would I fear him.
Even if am struggling with all kinds of fear in my life, this one I wasn’t ready for ,I wanted to change and deal with it
in our religion ,We have this list of things that we’re forbidden to do, and one of them is “don’t lose hope in gods mercy” ,when I was a kid I didn’t understand why would this be something wrong, if I lost hope may be it means am in a bad place, or I did something really bad and I don’t think he will forgive me ,but then when I found myself in this fear relationship , I understood how this comes from a place of love, he doesn’t want us to give up completely, he knows that life it’s not easy, and we can’t always do the right things, and he wants us to know and believe that he’s always there, so if u lost hope in all humanity and in yourself, don’t lose hope in your god ,and that will ensure that you will never stop ,you will keep going on just because he’s there beside you ,how much more love can we ask for.
now my fear also comes from a place of love, I fear to upset him, lose the connection ,or do things that will build walls between me and my faith ,that kind of fear that keeps me trying to be a better person every day, the fear that when I do something wrong I’ll come back much faster because I felt bad upsetting my god , injuring my faith ,it’s like your relationship will the people you love and fear to lose, but this time it’s with someone who promises you will never lose him,or his love , so he deserves much more love.
i feel like even if you don’t believe in god you should have this someone or something ,that you believe in unconditionally, you know is your last straw that will never let you down ,that can love you unconditionally ,and the feeling of his presence will some how strengthen you during your darkest hours .
“ there’s two rules on the spiritual path- begin and continue-”Sufi saying
I feel that am in the right way to have my old unconditional love relationship with my god and faith , and now more than ever I understand why we should never lose hope in gods mercy and love