Nothing stays buried

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In my family we are split in two teams when it comes to the past,the one that believes you can bury the past and just forget about it ,it will do no one any good to bring it up or talk about it , and there’s me ,who thinks nothing stays buried ,it all comes out one way or the other ,and  sees how our past effected every single one of us ,and  always wanted to get it out talk about it ,heal and then move on

I’ll tell the story from the start , am the oldest daughter in my family , I have a brother and sister , my dad is a great writer ,but it’s the only thing he does right , he was an abusive husband and dad

First when we were little my mum used to take us to my grand ma’s house a lot ,and get us away from my dad’s present so we can’t see his darker side coming out , and we didn’t ,we thought or at least I had this perfect family image in my mind ,but then when I was 12 we moved to another country , which forced us to stay together the whole first year ,and we sew the other face ,I was chocked as  you can imagine , and as a little girl I guess I waited for my mum  to say something that would make it ok somehow , but when it all got out ,and he was hurting her ,she was too hurt to deal with us, she kept asking me to middle between them ,she asked me to defend her against him ,I was at first too scared and sensitive to do it ,but it gave me  a huge feeling of guilt , so I became by time my mums biggest defender ,encourage her to go back to work, to get a divorce and we’ll have her back against my dad and our whole family

Till my mum got her divorce 5 years ago I always felt I had to have her back, she doesn’t have to worry about me or my sister and brother, and I kept them out of the situation as much as I could, but after the divorce I felt this build up feelings of anger frustration and loneliness coming out, I felt like this is my time to be heard, hugged or just listened to, and the struggle began between me and my dearest person in the world my mum.

She kept shutting me up, don’t talk about it and it will go away, be happy , find yourself and your career ,and while I was struggling in almost every aspect in my life, she kept attacking me ,that I became too weak ,that I give up too easily ,that she never thought her older smartest kid ,would turn out like I did ,trapped in her own sadness ,and  just lost

Seeing how my mum and my brother and sister’s personality transformed after the divorce ,each one in his own way , I knew I wasn’t  the only one struggling with getting his emotions out, and I deeply believed we should deal with it as a family ,getting help if we needed to ,so we can truly move on ,but no one else seemed to see it this way

During this past few year I kept doing my best supporting my mum in her career ,I graduated from college ,studied  business administration , but I always studied at home as I was learning to be a healer like my mum to help her establish her own place and two years ago we did

But the frustrating part is ,I always felt am doing this to buy back my mums love ,I never loved energy healing I know what I love ,but I had to do it ,and I never felt she  understood, of course as an expressive person “only to the people close to me “ , I tried telling her how I feel many times ,asking her to care a little ,may be stop saying hurtful words every single day , but she didn’t , she kept asking me to move on try to find what I really want to do ,but she wants me to find it like yesterday ,no searching no mistakes ,no time wasted ,” which is really hard if you feel that your mission on earth is helping lost souls like me “

If you knew my mum ,you wouldn’t believe what am saying ,she is a wonderful person ,she helps everyone and anyone in need ,she provides for us till now ,and she’s a really hard worker ,and we learned a lot from her ,but I don’t know why when it comes to family we are crazy

And adding to this complicated relation is my teacher and mentor who also became my step dad 😀 , the worst triangle ever ,he actually believes in me and that am going to do something amazing in my life ,but her also traps me to middle between him and the rest of the family as am the closest one to him

So few months ago ,we had one of our fights ,I went to my room ,didn’t and couldn’t come out for more than a week ,I was frustrated, angry ,hurt ,you name it ,and then I told them am not coming back to work with you , I don’t want anything to do with both of you ,no middling ,no weird long discussion “which was our thing ,they love long lessons in life ,that leaves you frustrated ,and without you expressing anything in return “ , and they left angry ,my step dad told me your karma will get you ,be careful ,and my mum thinks I just can’t let the past go ,and that’s why am struggling .

Well she is right , I never before now talked about how it all really made me feel ,or how it’s affecting me till now, no one knew how frustrated I’m for working In a major I don’t like ,instead of searching for myself

I always say as I believe  that yes we defined our future ,and control our minds , and I believed that am just too weak to let it go without really dealing with it ,and I tried all this years  not going back ,not thinking about it ,faking a smile ,but  it keeps coming back ,and keeps me trapped in a place I don’t want to be in ,I know I shouldn’t be traped in the past for too long “I actually help people deal with their emotions “,but maybe like those people ,I  need to let it out ,talk about it and then move on

So I’ll get it out her, hope if you read so far you can give me a feedback, useful criticism or advice, I’ll really appreciate it

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