I had the idea of starting my own blog for a long time now, but because I always had the fear of making mistakes, I didn’t start writing , believing that I would someday ,when am better ,at my life, and my writing skills. am the kind of person who thinks , I should nail it from the start ,” although I actually respect and admire people who fail way too many times before they actually succeed “,and as am focusing on myself now and trying to change ,this had to change too ,step by step ,starting with writing
Knowing I had tons of ideas starting this blog ,I felt safe at first ,But now after only one post , am suddenly blank ,and I know it all goes back to my fear .
All my life I feared almost everything, people, toys, teachers, hospitals, everything other than books, movies and my mom ,this disappeared one by one, but was replaced with deeper fears, the fear of loneliness, failure, not being good enough ,not leaving a mark on this planet “this is my biggest one ,I guess I will write about it later “
Now while am trying everyday to face this fears , conquer it day by day ,starting with the small things to the big ones, I found out it’s not easy or fun , it connects you to many deep feelings other than fear, you face yourself, your own darkness , all the roots behind it come to the surface .
What’s hard about this is that I feel am always dealing with emotions, intense ones, so it never made sense to me that solving a problem would need and involve more soul searching, and emotions, I always felt that once you know your problem, solving it will be the easy part, And now I know that almost everything is solved with more depth, and this is not so bad as am actually not afraid to dive deeply .
Am now talking to myself, don’t be afraid, this is going to be fun, don’t be afraid
Anyways I guess am trying to get over my fear by writing about fear itself, we’ll see how that will go.