Your perfect mate

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“Maybe it’s not about the length of time you’ve known someone; maybe it’s about instant recognition on an unconscious level. Our souls know each other.” ― S.E. Hall, Emerge

In my religion we believe that “‘Souls are like conscripted soldiers; those whom they recognize, they get along with, and those whom they do not recognize, they will not get along with.”

So everyone we met on earth we already met before , and sometime I wish I remember who was my perfect mate ,when I was a soul ,so it would be easier on earth

There is one person in my life I didn’t talk about yet , my fiancé , we been together for two and half years today ,started actually as best friends and then had a two year relationship and got engage 6 months ago,  he had to  travel for work after the engagement ,so it’s a long distance now ,and with this new situation ,and different difficulties happening in my life and his ,it’s really complicated now, and we’re barely talking .

as someone who didn’t have that many friends ,and it’s not easy to trust someone enough ,it surprised me how he made me feel comfortable and made it easy for me to be friends and open up to him ,at first  he was fascinated by me being different than everyone he knew before “ more crazy “ ,and I helped him with something he was working on ,and then we became best friends, I felt he challenges me , he made me open up more to other people ,he believed in my ability to find my voice and do something great in my life, he made me take care of myself more, go out more, do normal things, and think about myself ,and the things I can do instead of what I can’t do ,so it was a great friendship

And then when we started our relationship, I felt it won’t be that hard I already knew him very good and he knew me, how hard would it be, we’ll help each other grow, and I already had the feeling that we met in cross roads in our life’s and began growing together, so it was an amazing experience at first

I feel like to take this decision ,to find your perfect mate, you have to  be healed and ready yourself first ,and I knew I had a long path before am ready  but at the same time I always felt that my partner will be someone who connects with my spirit and fills it ,and at first I felt that he’s that someone ,so I thought why not just walk this road together ,then I discovered what I already knew .any thoughts that you can walk this path with someone with you is just hurting you and the other person .

while our true selves began to revealed we met many differences ,more than you would normally expect, had many heated arguments, but we both have one thing in common ,we hold on for too long

I gave this relationship a lot and it’s really hard for me to let go ,or even know when it’s right to keep fighting and when it’s time to let go

What kept me going before was the feeling that I’ll never find my perfect mate anyway, so why give up on something with some work can be great, and I believe that great relationships are built and not found, actually it was great at times

and what makes me hold on now is my knowledge that am not in any place to judge my relationship ,am In a really bad place in my life and so is he ,so why give up now ,so we agreed on taking a break ,maybe it’s because we’re too afraid to give up completely now, and may be because this really deserves  a chance ,am not sure yet ,but anyways am happy with our  decision. Wish us the best of luck

Living by giving

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give

This old song “ if tomorrow never comes” , gets me every time I hear it , the meaning that if tomorrow never comes ,am I leaving my loved ones knowing how much I cared and loved them , will they feel I did everything in my power to help while I was a life ,or will I have regrets

Struggling with personal problems with my whole family, I always had this question, how we are all human beings, but still our definition of how we take care of ourselves and others can be completely different even growing up in the same home.

I can relate and understand our different approaches in taking care of ourselves, I feel it mainly can be split into  two ways

— People who used an inward approach, by having time for themselves, reviewing their life from time to time, dealing with their own emotions and problems and move on

–And there’s the outward approach of engaging in the world around you, giving and loving people and it all gives you a good feeling and a better life in general

I believe we should blend both as much as we feel comfortable with ,but I feel that people shut down ,and only focus on their  selves and only their needs, which turns them  into being selfish  and not really helping themselves or others

*My struggle is with how we take care of others and how much we ‘are willing to do, and listen to their needs

In some of the people around me, they feel they are struggling more than anyone in their life, so they are the only one’s deserving support, they shouldn’t be asked to give it out

And for other’s they feel it’s a burden on their shoulders to try to make someone else happy, or supported, especially if they really need it, they feel stressed if the people around them are stressed so they get mad at them instead of helping out

And the ones who fear opening up to other people or showing emotions, and those harm themselves way more than they do to other people

And there’s the kind that always gives excuses ,like I don’t have the time or energy ,or I didn’t know they needed me ,but who said you should only be there when they ask for it , why not  just give as much as you can.

Am not suggesting we should harm ourselves in the process, or give people who keep hurting us if we aren’t strong enough to handle it

but just giving  in general , with love and care is really needed in the world we live in ,and although everyone needs it ,it seems like very few  are willing to do it

For a long time in my life ,I felt like to care about someone ,is to  try to have their back ,give them support on every level possible if you can ,just do whatever you can ,whenever you can do it ,and it doesn’t have to be asked for ,and I actually thought it’s really easy ,even growing up In an abusive home , I felt like I still have lots of love and care to give to whoever needs it

I didn’t make excuses to not help anyone ,and I didn’t feel weird or stressed doing it ,I really felt better doing it , I like loving people ,showing them am there if they need me ,surprising others ,I love surprises ,planning them ,and just seeing that look on someone’s face makes my world smile ,hugging and saying I love you as often as I can ,and I never feel I gave enough ,there’s no enough or too much when it comes to love, and the thing is I never once sew someone complain that am too loving or something ,they love it ,so why if we all can appreciate or at least like getting this kind of support ,why there isn’t enough people giving it out ,why do we keep it to ourselves ,to not open up ,show how we feel ,make someone else feel special as much as we can

An then by time and as people come and go in my life , I still believe in “living by giving “ ,but sometimes I find it hard with some people and I understood more why not everyone would just open up and give others

But still shutting out more, didn’t make me feel better, actually it made me feel worse, weaker, like there is something missing.

I faced lots of harm and abuse in my life , and even though am still struggling with it ,and I have my bad days , I always felt  I can give lots of love  out anyway ,so why shouldn’t we all just try to give more.

In my world I spell love “g-i-v-e”

Nothing stays buried

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In my family we are split in two teams when it comes to the past,the one that believes you can bury the past and just forget about it ,it will do no one any good to bring it up or talk about it , and there’s me ,who thinks nothing stays buried ,it all comes out one way or the other ,and  sees how our past effected every single one of us ,and  always wanted to get it out talk about it ,heal and then move on

I’ll tell the story from the start , am the oldest daughter in my family , I have a brother and sister , my dad is a great writer ,but it’s the only thing he does right , he was an abusive husband and dad

First when we were little my mum used to take us to my grand ma’s house a lot ,and get us away from my dad’s present so we can’t see his darker side coming out , and we didn’t ,we thought or at least I had this perfect family image in my mind ,but then when I was 12 we moved to another country , which forced us to stay together the whole first year ,and we sew the other face ,I was chocked as  you can imagine , and as a little girl I guess I waited for my mum  to say something that would make it ok somehow , but when it all got out ,and he was hurting her ,she was too hurt to deal with us, she kept asking me to middle between them ,she asked me to defend her against him ,I was at first too scared and sensitive to do it ,but it gave me  a huge feeling of guilt , so I became by time my mums biggest defender ,encourage her to go back to work, to get a divorce and we’ll have her back against my dad and our whole family

Till my mum got her divorce 5 years ago I always felt I had to have her back, she doesn’t have to worry about me or my sister and brother, and I kept them out of the situation as much as I could, but after the divorce I felt this build up feelings of anger frustration and loneliness coming out, I felt like this is my time to be heard, hugged or just listened to, and the struggle began between me and my dearest person in the world my mum.

She kept shutting me up, don’t talk about it and it will go away, be happy , find yourself and your career ,and while I was struggling in almost every aspect in my life, she kept attacking me ,that I became too weak ,that I give up too easily ,that she never thought her older smartest kid ,would turn out like I did ,trapped in her own sadness ,and  just lost

Seeing how my mum and my brother and sister’s personality transformed after the divorce ,each one in his own way , I knew I wasn’t  the only one struggling with getting his emotions out, and I deeply believed we should deal with it as a family ,getting help if we needed to ,so we can truly move on ,but no one else seemed to see it this way

During this past few year I kept doing my best supporting my mum in her career ,I graduated from college ,studied  business administration , but I always studied at home as I was learning to be a healer like my mum to help her establish her own place and two years ago we did

But the frustrating part is ,I always felt am doing this to buy back my mums love ,I never loved energy healing I know what I love ,but I had to do it ,and I never felt she  understood, of course as an expressive person “only to the people close to me “ , I tried telling her how I feel many times ,asking her to care a little ,may be stop saying hurtful words every single day , but she didn’t , she kept asking me to move on try to find what I really want to do ,but she wants me to find it like yesterday ,no searching no mistakes ,no time wasted ,” which is really hard if you feel that your mission on earth is helping lost souls like me “

If you knew my mum ,you wouldn’t believe what am saying ,she is a wonderful person ,she helps everyone and anyone in need ,she provides for us till now ,and she’s a really hard worker ,and we learned a lot from her ,but I don’t know why when it comes to family we are crazy

And adding to this complicated relation is my teacher and mentor who also became my step dad 😀 , the worst triangle ever ,he actually believes in me and that am going to do something amazing in my life ,but her also traps me to middle between him and the rest of the family as am the closest one to him

So few months ago ,we had one of our fights ,I went to my room ,didn’t and couldn’t come out for more than a week ,I was frustrated, angry ,hurt ,you name it ,and then I told them am not coming back to work with you , I don’t want anything to do with both of you ,no middling ,no weird long discussion “which was our thing ,they love long lessons in life ,that leaves you frustrated ,and without you expressing anything in return “ , and they left angry ,my step dad told me your karma will get you ,be careful ,and my mum thinks I just can’t let the past go ,and that’s why am struggling .

Well she is right , I never before now talked about how it all really made me feel ,or how it’s affecting me till now, no one knew how frustrated I’m for working In a major I don’t like ,instead of searching for myself

I always say as I believe  that yes we defined our future ,and control our minds , and I believed that am just too weak to let it go without really dealing with it ,and I tried all this years  not going back ,not thinking about it ,faking a smile ,but  it keeps coming back ,and keeps me trapped in a place I don’t want to be in ,I know I shouldn’t be traped in the past for too long “I actually help people deal with their emotions “,but maybe like those people ,I  need to let it out ,talk about it and then move on

So I’ll get it out her, hope if you read so far you can give me a feedback, useful criticism or advice, I’ll really appreciate it

fear

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fear

I had the idea of starting my own blog for a long time now, but because I always had the fear of making mistakes, I didn’t  start writing , believing that I would someday ,when am better ,at my life, and my writing skills. am the kind of person who thinks  , I should nail it from the start ,” although I actually respect and admire people who fail way too many times before they actually succeed “,and  as am focusing on myself now and trying to change ,this had to change too ,step by step ,starting with writing

Knowing I had tons of ideas  starting this blog ,I felt safe at first ,But now after only one post , am suddenly blank ,and I know it all goes back to my fear .

All my life I feared almost everything, people, toys, teachers, hospitals, everything other than books, movies and my mom ,this disappeared one by one, but was replaced with deeper fears, the fear of loneliness, failure, not being good enough ,not leaving a mark on this planet “this is my biggest one ,I guess I will write about it later “

Now while am trying everyday to face this fears , conquer it day by day ,starting with the small things to the big ones, I found out it’s not easy or fun , it connects you to many deep feelings other than fear, you face yourself, your own darkness , all the roots behind it  come to the surface .

What’s hard about this is that I feel am always dealing with emotions, intense ones, so it never made sense to me that solving a problem would need and involve more soul searching, and emotions, I always felt that once you know your problem, solving it will be the easy part, And now I know that almost everything is solved with more depth, and this is not so bad as am actually not afraid to dive deeply .

Am now talking to myself, don’t be afraid, this is going to be fun, don’t be afraid

Anyways I guess am trying to get over my fear by writing about fear itself, we’ll see how that will go.

We are souls

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This is my first post ,I never wrote anything before, and being a day dreamer  I always knew one day I’ll write ,but I  didn’t think I would  before  am old enough and know what I want in life so I can share a positive experience  with the world .

Ironically now am a 23 years old girl , struggling in my personal life ,  I feel like this is actually the time to write ,to share my views of the world which  varies from interesting  to dump ,and may be discover myself  in the way

am  always thinking  and wanting to learn about so many things , but mostly am fascinated with the human mind ,personalities, just how different we act in different situations ,how we connect as humans to each other and the world around us ,makes me want to dig more and know  why and how we do it ,may be discover my own ways and theories  one day ,to make it easier to understand our selves ,and change behaviors ,but now I guess I’ll start with myself.

as an overly sensitive person , everything I see in the world around me I connect it to a feeling ,no matter how it may seem small  or ordinary  to other people it will always mean something to me on a deeper level, this always brought me this inner sense of sadness that I didn’t get ,and  growing up I though it’s a bad thing  ,I thought I was the only person with this intense feeling going around all the time ,specially that no one got it , I didn’t meet someone on any time in my life who can understand me or who I can open up to , or just connect with ,had to struggle a lot with having intense feelings almost all the time ,but now after  concentrating , thinking and dealing a lot with it ,thinking it was my main problem ,searching for the balance ,I find out step by step it’s not something I want to  get rid of , am a better person because of  it or how I choose to deal with it .

for me I believe am a soul ,I believe we are all originally souls ,that stays in a body for a short period of time, and then our souls become free and transforms  ,but no matter how many shapes we change before or after this life, the main thing, the only constant is that we are souls , “you may think so too or name it our higher self ,our deep intuition “ whatever  u name it , that’s who we originally are, that’s the core ,and what i always wondered about, was why we choose to neglect this bigger part of us ,the one we really should communicate with ,and listen to ,and choose to give our ego the upper hand ,to make it the controlling part of all our actions, behaviors and feelings ,and just let it bring us such sadness ,hatred, and dissatisfaction..

my soul is the main source for all the good I do and feel , it’s the main source of our connection as humans ,the more am connected with it  ,the better human being  I feel  I can be  , and the less influence my ego  has on me ,and may be for me this connection shows in how deeply I feel about  the world around me  , and it shows in different forms for  other people  , I wouldn’t change who I am to be tougher , more cruel ,or disconnected from the world , so am embracing this connection , learning how to deal with it.

 Going through this tough period in my life, this is the one thing that still makes me want to keep going 

 am more happy with who I am , than I have ever been , and I wish I would never forget how precious my soul is to me .

That’s why I guess I want to be part of helping others how to hold the key to their souls.

just a thought “ if you remember that you are a soul before anything else , and find your own thing that makes you connect the best with it ,and do that  ,in a simple way ,how much would your life and many life’s around you change “,  for me It’s a daily struggle but it’s worth it ,because at the end we are all just souls .